XML Humor

Top 10 XML Specifications Rejected by the W3C
10. WS-IrishSpring: for scented, more pleasing SOAP packets
9. WS-UPS: for sending SOAP packets in real envelopes
8. WS-USPS: for sending SOAP packets that dont need to get there
7. WS-PrisonShower: for picking up the dropped SOAP packets
6. X-Wife: protocol for monetary transfer
5. WS-Insecurity: dating protocol for web services programmers
4. WS-Monopoly: protocol used to keep antitrust penalties to manageable levels
3. NICKLE: for encoding smaller binary attachments
2. SFFCI: Syndication Format for Complete Idiots
1. WS-XXX: bringing a business model to XML, e.g.
<xxx:image xmlns:xxx="uri://hustler.com/2003/oohlala">
<xxx:setting>the storeroom</xxx:setting>
<xxx:model gender="female" tattoo="skull" />
<xxx:model gender="male" moustache="true" />
Chris Sells, Jason Whittington, Tim Ewald, Becky Dias & Brian Jepson
Presented at the Applied XML Developers Conference West 2003
July 10th, 2003

What is meant by Marketing?

What is Meant by "Marketing"?
People often ask what is meant by Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "Im fantastic in bed." Thats Direct Marketing.
Youre at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "Hes fantastic in bed." Thats Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say," Hi, Im fantastic in bed." Thats Telemarketing.
Youre at a party and see a handsome man. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," And reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." Thats Public Relations.
Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you’re fantastic in bed." Thats Brand Recognition.
Youre at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You talk her into going home with your friend. Thats a Sales Rep.
Your friend cant satisfy her so he calls you. Thats Technical Service.
Youre on your way to a party when you realize that there could be gorgeous women in all the houses youre passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated in the middle and shout at the top of your voice, "Im fantastic in bed!". Thats Spam.
You hear about women like this but never meet one. Thats False Advertising.

Abort, Retry, Ignore

Abort, Retry, Ignore
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read Abort, Retry, Ignore.
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.
With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key —
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
I tried to catch the chips off-guard —
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light —
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core. I
saw the screen collapse and die "Oh no — my database", I cried I
thought I heard a voice reply, "You’ll see your data Nevermore."
To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that’s the tale I have to tell
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

81000306 Error – Windows Live Messenger in Windows Vista

Anyone else getting this error trying to run Windows Live Messenger (I’ve tried v8.0 and 8.1) under Windows Vista? If you are here is how to fix it:

The key is to disable "Auto-Tuning" of the packets that Windows Vista does by default.

– Click Start, All Programs
– Accesories
– Right-Click Command Prompt
– Click Run As Administrator
– Type the following: netsh int tcp set global autotuninglevel=disabled
– Press Enter
– Close Command Prompt Window
– Restart your computer

This worked for me, and seems to have greatly speeded up my networking in the process – I’m now back to transfering files over the network at higher speeds again, another side-effect of Vista trying to be too clever.

Lots of other users have also reported this error, particularly when using a Netgear DG834/DG834G Router, and another possible cause is that the router firmware needs to be rolled back to version 3.01.29 (Thanks Microsoft TechNet

– 01/02/2007 17:54:17

Thanks for this Richard, this error is driving me nuts under Vista RC1 on my laptop using our dg834gt router 🙂

G M0N3Y – 02/02/2007 09:49:46

Thanks very much, this was the answer to my hair loss, 🙂

theres a pint of beer with your name on it in my local

Brinley Ford – 13/02/2007 10:42:02

Thanks for that Richard,works for me. Well done.

Gary Hook – 30/05/2007 19:10:46

Thank you so so much! Works a treat.

davidjhall – 20/06/2007 11:27:23

Thanks very much, your solution worked without rebooting pc. Running vista home premium, recent upgrade, through Netgear DG834G wireless router.

– 19/09/2007 09:10:57

Many thanks for this, I was going absolutely nuts trying to solve this problem and had tried many "solutions" on the web but this is only one that worked. I have a DG834G router as well so doubt it is any coincidence!