Funny one-liners

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I’m in shape. Round’s a shape, isn’t it?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Clones are people two.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Politicians & diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Money is the root of all wealth.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

Airport Tannoy Prank at Heathrow

Two guys have wasted their time at airports, in this case, London’s Heathrow, by writing down strange names and asking the airport Information Center to locate these people by calling out their names on the airport’s PA system. These guys would then hang out beneath the speakers and record the results.

In order to make it as believable as possible, they dressed up as chauffeurs and asked for help finding these people about 40 minutes after a Thai Airways or Air India flight had landed.

They acted as if they could not pronounce the names themselves, so as not to reveal the joke, but just handed over a note with the names printed on it and asked the employ at the Information Center.

After the fifth recording, they had to leave Heathrow as airport security figured out what was going on. The last recording is from Gatwick.

Give these guys the Big Practical Joker prize.

Looks Like Reads Like Listen
Arheddis Varkenjaab
and Aywellbe Fayed
I hate this fucking job,
and I will be fired
Arhevbin Fayed
and Bybeiev Rhibodie
I‘ve just been fired,
and bye-bye everybody
Aynayda Pizaqvick
and Malexa Kriest
I need a piss quick,
and my legs are crossed
Awul Dasfilshabeda
and Nowaynayda Zheet
Oo-ah, that feels betterand now I need a shit s_heathrow_4
Makollig Jezvahted
and Levdaroum DeBahzted
My colleague just farted,
and left the room, the bastard
Steelaygot Maowenbach
and Tuka Piziniztee
Still, I got my own back
and took a piss in his tea

November 2017 – Updated so that the links work on the new AWS server – sorry that they stopped working for a while!