Funny one-liners

If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Bad spellers of the world untie.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

It is bad luck to be superstitious.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

It’s not the fall that kills you; it’s the sudden stop at the end.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

I’m in shape. Round’s a shape, isn’t it?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody’s perfect, why practice?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Clones are people two.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

Politicians & diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Money is the root of all wealth.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

Things are not as they seem.

TAKE TIME TO READ. This is the transcript of a real conversation that happened, its not made up. It’s worth reading it, it is not all as it seems.

Professor : You are a Christian, aren’t you, son ?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, you believe in GOD ?

Student : Absolutely, sir.

Professor : Is GOD good ?

Student : Sure.

Professor: Is GOD all powerful ?

Student : Yes.

Professor: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to GOD to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But GOD didn’t. How is this GOD good then? Hmm?

(Student was silent.)

Professor: You can’t answer, can you ? Let’s start again, young fella. Is GOD good?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Is satan good ?

Student : No.

Professor: Where does satan come from ?

Student : From … GOD …

Professor: That’s right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?

Student : Yes.

Professor: Evil is everywhere, isn’t it ? And GOD did make everything. Correct?

Student : Yes.

Professor: So who created evil ?

(Student did not answer.)

Professor: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don’t they?

Student : Yes, sir.

Professor: So, who created them ?

(Student had no answer.)

Professor: Science says you have 5 Senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son, have you ever seen GOD?

Student : No, sir.

Professor: Tell us if you have ever heard your GOD?

Student : No , sir.

Professor: Have you ever felt your GOD, tasted your GOD, smelt your GOD? Have you ever had any sensory perception of GOD for that matter?

Student : No, sir. I’m afraid I haven’t.

Professor: Yet you still believe in Him?

Student : Yes.

Professor : According to Empirical, Testable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says your GOD doesn’t exist. What do you say to that, son?

Student : Nothing. I only have my faith.

Professor: Yes, faith. And that is the problem Science has.

Student : Professor, is there such a thing as heat?

Professor: Yes.

Student : And is there such a thing as cold?

Professor: Yes.

Student : No, sir. There isn’t.

(The lecture theater became very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student : Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don’t have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can’t go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There was pin-drop silence in the lecture theater.)

Student : What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?

Professor: Yes. What is night if there isn’t darkness?

Student : You’re wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light. But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and its called darkness, isn’t it? In reality, darkness isn’t. If it is, well you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn’t you?

Professor: So what is the point you are making, young man ?

Student : Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.

Professor: Flawed ? Can you explain how?

Student : Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good GOD and a bad GOD. You are viewing the concept of GOD as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, Science can’t even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing.

Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor, do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?

Professor: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.

Student : Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shook his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument was going.)

Student : Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor. Are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?

(The class was in uproar.)

Student : Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor’s brain?

(The class broke out into laughter. )

Student : Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor’s brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established Rules of Empirical, Stable, Demonstrable Protocol, Science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room was silent. The Professor stared at the student, his face unfathomable.)

Professor: I guess you’ll have to take them on faith, son.

Student : That is it sir … Exactly ! The link between man & GOD is FAITH. That is all that keeps things alive and moving.

By the way, that student was EINSTEIN.